10 ways to break up with someone

This is a post I found on Yahoo! while I was checking my mails. For some reason I couldn't tell why this post caught my attention and why I felt so compelled to add my comments below. Keep in mind that the writer is a man, and I am a woman responding with my own experience when I went through a tough break-up. Read original.

If you don't feel like reading my comment, just skip the blue text.

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I had to end a fledgling relationship this week. I really didn't want to do it. Or at least, I wanted to do it by text. But after a brief discussion with a female pal, I was persuaded that I should pick up the phone. Calling isn't my normal style because I don't like it when girls shout at me. Plus, there are so many alternatives…

Face to face
Firstly, I should make clear that in a serious relationship, I would always conduct this nasty business in person. And maybe in a casual relationship too, if forced...

Pros: Instant right to reply for the dumpee.
Cons: You are vulnerable to the threat of tears and possible violence.

I have not experienced a face to face break-up (yet) because my partner was a total coward to break up with me in person. But as a woman I would have appreciated this method instead of beating around the bush or trying the methods below. It will be quick and easy. Yes, it will be hard and the woman will cry and maybe kick you in the crotch, but you deserve it. And if you are a real man, you will be able to handle the pain. It's nothing compared to the suffering the woman will have to go through to get over you.

Ignoring
This very common tactic involves blanking your lover until they work out that it's over. At first, they will send lots of texts and mails. Eventually, they will give up.

Pros: You never have to officially dump them.
Cons: They will never know for sure why you stopped contacting them; they may even think you are dead.

This is a very coward way to break up with someone with whom you have shared a romantic relationship and it may lead to misunderstandings and only worsen the situation. Why? Because the woman might/will blame herself and wonder what she did wrong. And no, she will not automatically assume that it's over between the two of you. If she really cares about you then she will try to find a way to win you back. It will get worse if she tries to phone all your friends and/or family, asking for your whereabouts and why you haven't been calling her back. What if she shows up in the bar you were hanging out with your pals and publicly humiliate you there by making a scene?

Text/email
The fastest, simplest and by far most popular method of ending a casual fling is to fire off a carefully-worded message. Almost everyone has received - or dished out - some form of electronic dumping. But killjoys deem it impolite.

Pros: Fits in perfectly with a fast-paced modern lifestyle.
Cons: The victim could receive the message at an unfortunate moment, such as during an important business meeting or while they’re having a really good time at Alton Towers.

This really is the simplest method but the most un-man-ly way to break up with a woman. Scared to tell her in person so you compose an email/text message to inform her that it's over between you? Have you ever been at the receiving end of such a message? You check your mails or cell phone, you smile when you realize that your partner was thinking about you. Your heart swells up in joy and you feel warm inside. You open the message only to read that he doesn't want to be with you any longer. What a crushing feeling. It's like running downhill against a brick wall. But who cares? You will never have to see the pain-stricken face she makes upon reading your message.

Letter
I suppose this was considered the text dumping of its day. But now it seems slightly more classy and respectful. At least you're paying for a stamp.

Pros: Old-fashioned and somehow romantic. Your jilted lover can keep it forever as a memento of how much of a berk you are.
Cons: You have to pay for a stamp.

Ah a letter. This is why I hate receiving letters because they never contain anything positive. Who would bother writing something special to a woman just to make her smile unless you're Prince Charming and poetic blood runs through your veins. Very unlikely. If you have never written a letter to her in your whole relationship together, then suddenly she receives one, then a red flag will automatically pop up at the back of her head. What if she decides not to read the letter? What if she calls you up first, pretending as if nothing unusual happened like having just received a letter from you? She entices you to come over, promising you a long night with sex and by giving into your animalistic desires, which is code for "to talk about your relationship" and the stuff that's been going on lately? You're trapped.

Facebook
The ’relationship status’ option on Facebook is the best way of keeping up-to-date with your friends' love lives... so why not your own too? Just change your status and your newly-dumped ex will receive the news straight to their Wall.

Pros: For you, it's painless. Just the simple click of a button.
Cons: Your ex will be furious and may retaliate by announcing to Facebook that you have a small willy.

This certainly has a way of backfiring and go awry. Facebook is no place for making break-ups public because friends can see and they will not mind their own business in this regard.

Note
This is similar to the letter but less comprehensive. It could be piece of paper through the letterbox or a Post-it note stuck to their box of Alpen. The key is the brevity.

Pros: Everyone likes receiving little notes, it’s fun.
Cons: You’d have to pick a strategic time to leave the note, otherwise you could get caught and end up in a face-to-face situation.

I love receiving little notes, too. But if you expect a serious break-up then don't do it via Post-it. What the heck? The woman might just put a winking smiley beneath your message and send it back to you simply because she doesn't think you were serious.

Via someone else
This only generally happens when you are under the age of 15. It happened to me once in my school lunch break while I was queuing up in Dixy Fried Chicken and it was brutal.

Pros: If they cry, you don't have to see it.
Cons: Not acceptable behaviour if you are an adult.

This is a stupid way to do, not only is it stupid and unacceptable behavior but it's very coward to do, too. You are involving another person in your already cracked up relationship, you could as well just face your partner and get it over with. You will have to rely on that person to do your job right and break up for you with your sweetheart. It will cause a very awkward situation for them, it will only infuriate her further and may lead her to evil revenge such as instigating her girl friends to set your bike/car on fire in the middle of the night while you're soundly asleep.

In public
At a Birmingham City football match last weekend, a fan proposed to his girlfriend on the pitch. So why not do the opposite and announce to the world your decision to end it? Maybe the announcer could do it when they read out the birthdays. Or you could request a shout-out on your lover’s favourite radio station.

Pros: This could be her 15 seconds of fame.
Cons: Live broadcasting is unpredictable and they may omit your dedication.

You take her out on a football match, pay the expensive tickets and spend a couple of hours with her waiting in the line under the pouring rain to get inside the stadium. And since you already paid for the tickets, you also decide to buy her her favorite snacks and favorite drinks and wait together till the match begins. You laugh together at the drunk idiot sitting in front of you for throwing up in his girlfriend's lap, and your girlfriend tells you sweetly how lucky she is that that didn't happen to her. Everything seems perfect. She leans in to you, cuddles with you, she keeps you warm, and you realize that all you needed was just some quality time together, a moment like this. Until the announcer points at your seat to broadcast your break-up with your girlfriend, and everything turns into a horrible nightmare.

Well, f*ck you!

Don’t tell them
Tell your friends and family you've split up, chat people up in bars, go online dating, stop having sex - essentially, become single. Just don't tell your partner about it.

Pros: Awkward dumping conversation avoided.
Cons: There's a high chance they will eventually find out you have stopped going out with them and then bad things will happen.

I personally love this. (Hear the sarcasm?) My boyfriend just acts as if we're not together anymore, everyone knows we've split up, and I am the one looking like a fool and not knowing? Expect the inevitable because bad things will happen once the woman finds out that you have made her look like a fool in front of other people.

Phone call
As for me, I opted against all these methods and called her. I semi-rehearsed what I was going to say; my main aim was to avoid clichés such as "it's not you, it's me" and not to panic and tell her I was gay. I bumbled through it awkwardly, using the phrase "I really like you but…" more than once (it was true though). And although she went a bit quiet, the conversation ended on fairly amicable terms. I didn't feel great, but I felt like slightly less of an arsehole than if I’d used the methods above.

Pros: Makes you feel like an adult.
Cons: Scary.

Always keep this in mind: If a woman goes quiet, it's either a whole world just broke for her or she is secretly plotting a plan to get back at you! Either way make sure that she is really okay or else you will find yourself losing your sexy manpart in your sleep.

by Dan Juan


Break-ups are tough and painful especially if it is the one you thought was The One for you. To be honest, my boyfriend did never break up with me but he did make me break up with him more than once. We were the kind of couple who would never completely breakup, even though we had other partners at that time, we always ended up being stuck together at the end. It was hard for me for always accepting him back, it was hard because I couldn't let go, and it was stupid that I didn't learn from past experiences with him. He cheated on me, and he cheated with me. I guess the fact that women fought over him got to his head, that he thought he was infallible and God's gift to women. He took advantage of this knowledge and made women cry.

Looking back I can only shake my head and think what I fool I have been. Never again.


-chichi

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Funny or Fact About Sex

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Four kinds of Sex

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The first is Smurf Sex - This happens during the honeymoon period of a relationship, you keep doing it and doing it, until you're blue in the face.

The second is Kitchen Sex - This is at the beginning of your marriage, you'll have sex anywhere, anytime, anyplace, even in the kitchen.

The third kind is Bedroom Sex - You've calmed down a bit, perhaps you have had some kids, so you have to do it in the bedroom.

The fourth kind is Hallway Sex - This is where you pass each other in the hallway, look each other in the eye and say, ‘F#CK YOU!'

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Penis Size

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TRUE FACT:
Male sperm (Y) swim faster and die sooner than female sperm (X), because female sperm contain heavier genetic material, which slows them down but allows them to live longer.

THEREFORE:
Males with longer penises tend to produce more male offspring because they deposit the sperm closer to the egg and Y sperm cells win the "sprint." Males with shorter penises tend to have more female offspring because sperm is deposited further from the egg, Y sperm die off thus allowing X sperm to win the "marathon."

CONCLUSION:
Look at your family. This tells you whether or not your father had a big
one.

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For Your Birthday

I'm not really good at writing poems, but for your birthday I wrote you one.
It sounds a bit like a rap song. hee hee Just bear with me. :)

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It was in July two years ago, remember?
I know so clearly, because it was 3 months before October
When your momma said she had a little daughter,
And then spontaneously invited me over.

When we arrived, it was late and you were already sleepin'
Saw the place: empty bottles everywhere, oh freakin'!
Your momma, so embarrassed, she took the dustpan, sweepin',
And threw all the garbage from the table into the paperbin.

Your daddy, just sittin there, starin' at her bizarrely,
I guess he didn't understand her fully.
Then they argued 'bout random stuff, how silly,
I couldn't stand listening to that, dear God, please save me.

And then dawn broke and the sun came up,
Heard you bangin' from inside your locked door when you woke up
You went to the kitchen, screamin' and demanding your cup
So momma and daddy told you to shut up.

'Bout an hour passed when I stirred in my makeshift bed,
Saw you sitting there, with a curious frown on your forehead.
"Who's she?" you asked in your childlike voice your dad,
"A friend of mine," your momma answered for him instead.

You were only two years old, turning three
There was something missin' in your life, I could see.
Nothing that neither momma nor dadda could give yah whole-heartedly,
That broke my heart, I realized then all so suddenly.

I stayed all afternoon till evening, I couldn't believe
We played with your toys and laughed till we couldn't breathe.
When it was time to go you told me "Please don't leave",
And looked so sadly, you cried and wiped your tears on your sleeve.

In your anger you slammed your door shut,
And your momma joked you were a little nut'
In her annoyance, however, she spanked your skinny butt.
Her voice grew shrilly, asking you, "What? What d'you want, what?"

I had to leave then anyway,
For it had gotten too late, and I couldn't stay,
I promised you though that I would come back, okay?
Hoping it would be soon, for in October was your birthday.


Happy 5th Birthday!

~ Chichi

PS: Yeah, this ain't really a poem what I would read to a five-year-old, but it was still fun to write. :)

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Prison Vs. Work

PRISON	WORK
You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.	You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.
You get three meals a day.	You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.
You get time off for good behavior.	You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.	You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.
You can watch TV and play games.	You get fired for watching TV and playing games.
You get your own toilet.	You have to share.
They allow your family and friends to visit.	You cannot even speak to your family and friends.
All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.	You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.	You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.
There are wardens who are often sadistic.	They are called managers.
If your crime was really important, you are put into a high security compound with cameras, and extra guards with guns.	If you are doing important government work, you are put into a high security compound with cameras, steel vaulted doors and extra (dumb) guards with guns.
You have to attend therapy sessions where you are told how worthless you are, but you can improve.	You have to attend meetings where you are told how worthless your ideas are.

by Slim Jim Battelle Source | image credit: Silvery

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Top 15 things you should never do on Facebook

When was the last thing you looked at your feed without someone posting an embarrassing picture, or someone else saying something irritating in their status update?
Here are the top 15 things you should never do on Facebook or MySpace:

1. Use Facebook mail instead of proper email
Are you silly? When you Facebook mail me, I have to log into my real email to find that I then have to go and log into my Facebook account to read and reply to your message. If you’ve got my real email address, please use it.

2. Add old friends and then forget about them
This is the biggest social networking crime of them all. How many times has it happened? You haven’t seen someone for 20 years; you vaguely recognize their name but not their face. They add you as a friend on Facebook and then after you accept them, you never hear from them again.

3. Adding people you don’t even know
It’s one thing to add an old friend and then never speak to them. It’s another to add anyone whose name you kind of vaguely sort of recognize. It’s like that old man in the pub who slaps everyone on the back as if they were old pals, when in actual fact he has no friends, largely because of this habit.

4. Adding single-serving holiday friends
Some people just don’t understand that the exchanging of email addresses at the end of a holiday is just a social ritual and is absolutely not an invitation to add you to Facebook and then turn up unannounced at your house three months later.

5. Accepting friend invitations from people you don’t know
It’s one thing to complain about irritating people adding you on Facebook, but if you accept those invites, you’ve only got yourself to blame. If you scan through your Facebook friends list, you’ll doubtless find a handful of people in there you barely know. It’s a horrible realisation – like when you suddenly realise your hand is resting on a knob of someone else’s chewing gum underneath a desk.

6. Update Facebook profile when you’re supposedly ill
How many times have we seen it? Someone calls in sick in the morning and then updates their Facebook profile minute-by-minute throughout the day, documenting a day of ice cream, chips, video games and jumping on the bed. Get dressed and get to work you lazy hoodwink, or else you’ll probably be fired. And it’d be your own fault for adding your boss to be your Facebook friend.

7. Write on a wall instead of communicating privately
The driving force behind the success of Facebook is… vanity. People love the idea that others are watching what they’re doing. Tell me this: for what reason would you invite someone to a private party by writing on their wall, other than to show off to all the people on their friends list who you don’t want to come? It just makes you look like a tit, so don’t do it.

8. Moan in your Facebook status
The most annoying thing that people do on Facebook is to spray their walls with vanity-filled drivel, by posting self-indulgent awfulness in their status updates. “Kerry is sorry how it ended but it had to be done. I love you and will miss you, and I hope you can apologise one day”. Oh sod off. If you’ve got something to say to someone, say it. Don’t post it on your wall because no one else is interested, and people just think you’re a prat.

9. Other irritating status updates
No, “Dave is” is not an acceptable status update, nor is it original or in any way clever. “Dave just is…” is equally as inexcusable. And “Dave is Dave is Dave” is downright taking the piss. Oh, and song lyrics are also a no-no. “Sandra was happy in the haze of a drunken hour, but heaven knows she’s miserable now” will impress people about the same amount as Morrissey’s saggy, miserable face.

10. Upload drunken pictures the morning after
Have a little common sense. If you go out for a big one on a Wednesday night, posting humiliating, drunken photos of your friends on Thursday morning is a recipe for disaster. Because when I call in sick at 9am, the last thing I want my boss to say is: “I’ve seen the pictures of you crawling in the gutter last night. I’m not amused or impressed, now get to work!”

11. Joining ridiculous chain-mail groups
Why do people insist on joining groups such as “On the X of May, everyone has to panic buy carrots”? Come on people, how stupid are you? There’s one group on Facebook devoted to nullifying the vegetarian moral crusade, and it’s called: “For every animal you don’t eat, I’m going to eat three”. That’s a good group name. “I think Ryan Seacrest is the best presenter ever” is not.

12. Starting said groups
Enough said.

13. Lazy grammar and spelling mistakes
Reading Facebook is like perusing a six-year olds’ English copybook. Come on, people: ‘Your’ is ‘your’. ‘You are’ is ‘you’re’. It really isn’t hard to get that little one right. And understanding the difference between there, their and they’re surely isn’t too much of a challenge?

14. Upload photos to Facebook and deleting originals
Uploading photos to Facebook can be a very handy way of sharing your holiday snaps. But for the love of God, don’t lose your originals. Facebook is terrible at compressing and resizing images – it turns your 14MP panoramas into 14KB monstrosities. Facebook is not a suitable repository to store your precious photos!

15. Inviting me to be a Zombie Pirate Snot Monster
Please don’t do that ever ever again


Original Source: Written by: James Rivington | Graphic by: Han Han

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4 Year Old McDonalds Hamburger - Diet Videos

4 Year Old McDonalds Hamburger - Diet Videos

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101 Ways to be annoying

1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.


2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."


3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."


4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."


5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.


6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen.


7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.


8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.


9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".


10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.


11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.


12. Sniffle incessantly.


13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.


14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."


16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."


17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."


18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".


19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."


20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.


21. Practice making fax and modem noises.


22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.


23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.


24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.


25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."


26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy." 27. Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.


28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.


29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.


30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.


31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice. 32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.


33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."


34. Drum on every available surface.


35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.


36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.


37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.


38. Sew anti-theft detector strips into peoples backpacks.


39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.


40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.


41. Set alarms for random times.


42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.


43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.


44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.


45. Honk and wave to strangers.


46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.


47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.


48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.


49. Wear your pants backwards.


50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.


51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"


52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.


53. only type in lowercase.


54. dont use any punctuation either


55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.


56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.


57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.


58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.


59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.


60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.


61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."


62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.


63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.


64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.


65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."


66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.


67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.


68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."


69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.


70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.


71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.


72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.


73. Drive half a block.


74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.


75. Ask people what gender they are.


76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.


77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.


78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".


79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.


80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.


81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.


82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.


83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."


84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.


85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.


86. Wear a LOT of cologne.


87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."


88. Sing along at the opera.


89. Mow your lawn with scissors.


90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"


91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."


92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.


93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."


94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."


95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.


96. Never make eye contact.


97. Never break eye contact.


98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.


99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.


100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.


101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties.



Source, by Cady Calvert

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The 5 Questions Most Feared By Men

The 5 questions most feared by men are:

1. What are you thinking about?
2. Do you love me?
3. Do I look fat in this?
4. Do you think she is prettier than me?
5. What would you do if I died?

What makes these questions so difficult is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument if the man answers incorrectly (i.e., tells the truth). Therefore, as a public service, each question is analyzed below, along with possible responses.

Question # 1: What are you thinking about? The proper answer to this, of course, is: " I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, thoughtful, caring, intelligent woman you are, and how lucky I am to have met you." This response obviously bears no resemblance to the true answer, which most likely is one of the following:
a. Football.
b. Golf.
c. How fat you are.
d. How much prettier she is than you
e. How I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Perhaps the best response to this question was offered by Al Bundy, who once told Peg, "If I wanted you to know what I was thinking, I would be talking to you!"

Question # 2: Do you love me? The proper response is: "YES!" or, if you feel a more detailed answer is in order, "Yes, dear."

Inappropriate responses include:
a. Oh Yeah, sh@*-loads.
b. Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
c. That depends on what you mean by love.
d. Does it matter?
e. Who, me?

Question # 3: Do I look fat?
The correct answer is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Among the incorrect answers are:
a. Compared to what?
b. I wouldn't call you fat, but you're not exactly thin.
c. A little extra weight looks good on you.
d. I've seen fatter.
e. Sorry what did you say? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 4: Do you think she's prettier than me?
Once again, the proper response is an emphatic: "Of course not!" Incorrect responses include:
a. Yes, but you have a better personality
b. Not prettier, but definitely thinner
c. Not as pretty as you when you were her age
d. Define pretty
e. Sorry what did you say ? I was just thinking about how I would spend the insurance money if you died.

Question # 5: What would you do if I died? A definite no-win question.(The real answer, of course, is "Buy a Lotus and a Boat").

No matter how you answer this, be prepared for at least an hour of follow-up questions, usually along the these lines:

WOMAN: Would you get married again?
MAN: Definitely not!
WOMAN: Why not - don't you like being married?
MAN: Of course I do.
WOMAN: Then why wouldn't you remarry?
MAN: Okay, I'd get married again.
WOMAN: You would? (with a hurtful look on her face)
MAN: (makes audible groan)
WOMAN: Would you sleep with her in our bed?
MAN: Where else would we sleep?
WOMAN: Would you put away my pictures, and replace them with pictures of her?
MAN: That would seem like the proper thing to do.
WOMAN: And would you let her use my golf clubs?
MAN: She can't use them; she's left-handed.
WOMAN: - - - silence - - -
MAN: Sh&%.


Source

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Cat Diary

Day 752 - My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.

Day 761 - Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair . . . must try this on their bed.

Day 762 - Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night.

Day 765 - Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was . . . Hmmm. Not working according to plan . . .

Day 768 - I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included
a burning foaming chemical called "shampoo". What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.

Day 771 - There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call "beer". More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of "allergies". Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.

Day 774 - I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant. He has mastered their frightful tongue (something akin to mole speak) and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time . . .


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EW GROSS! Some sick joke?

Read description first

This poor guy was minding his own business & he felt an eye irritation. Thinking that it was just regular dust, he started to rub his eye, in an effort to remove the dust. Then his eyes got really red, so he bought some eye drops from the pharmacy. A few days passed and his eyes were still red and seemed a little swollen. Again he dismissed it as dust & continued rubbing, hoping it would go away. As the days went by, the swelling of his eye got worse & the redness increased until he decided to go and see a doctor for a check up. The doctor immediately wanted an operation, being afraid of a tumor growth or cyst.

At the operation, what was thought to be a growth or cyst, actually turned out to be a .........................

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Bart Simpson's Lessons

A burp is not an answer.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
Bart Bucks are not legal tender.
Coffee is not for kids.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
Funny noises are not funny.
Garlic gum is not funny.
Goldfish don't bounce.
High explosives and school don't mix.
I am not a 32 year old woman.
I am not a dentist.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
I am not deliciously saucy.
I did not see Elvis.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will finish what I sta
I will never win an emmy.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick.
I will not belch the National Anthem.
I will not bribe Principal Skinner.
I will not bring sheep to class.
I will not burp in class.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not call my teacher Hot Cakes.
I will not call the principal Spud Head.
I will not carve gods.
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
I will not cut corners.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not do anything bad ever again.
I will not do that thing with my tongue.
I will not draw naked ladies in class.
I will not drive the principal's car.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not encourage others to fly.
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I will not fake my way through life.
I will not fake seizures.
I will not get very far with this attitude.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I will not grease the monkey bars.
I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.
I will not instigate revolution.
I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not re-transmit without the express permission of Major League Baseball.
I will not say Springfield just to get applause.
I will not sell land in Florida.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will not sell school property.
I will not show off.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
I will not sleep through my education.
I will not snap bras.
I will not spank others.
I will not squeak chalk.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
I will not trade pants with others.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not Xerox my butt.
I will not yell Fire in a crowded classroom.
I will not yell She's Dead at roll call.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
It's potato, not potatoe.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
My name is not Dr. Death.
No one is interested in my underpants.
Nobody likes sunburn slappers.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
Spitwads are not free speech.
Tar is not a plaything.
Teacher is not a leper.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with Hail Satan.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
They are laughing at me, not with me.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.

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Newborn baby found in garbage pail

Oh my God! What went through the mother's mind when she threw away her precious baby in a garbage pail of a passenger plane's restroom? Original article

The article states that Filipino cleaners found the baby in a garbage pail and was immediately rushed to the hospital. He's healthy and well up. While social welfare is taking care of the little baby, they are trying to search for his parents. They named him Jorge Francis.


My Reaction to the article:
The plane from Bahrain, which flight destination was the Philippines, Manila, thus, I assume that the mother was a Filipina, who came from abroad to go back to the Philippines, was overwhelmed with panic upon realizing what disgrace she would have to face when she sees her family. Because I know for a fact that, just like some other Eastern cultures, the Filipino culture is a bit strict and conservative when it comes to unmarried mothers, all the more if they didn't meet the father. Maybe she was already a married mother, returning from her work abroad, gave birth to a bastard child, and didn't want her husband finding out about this baby. Who knows?

Did she withheld her pregnancy from her family? Since there's only little information in the article, that there were no signs that the mother gave birth on the plane, only that the baby is a newborn, thus, only a few hours old, I was thinking: was she cradling her baby boy in her arms throughout the entire flight only to dispose of him once the plane reached its destination? The flight from Bahrain to the Philippines takes about 12 hours. Did she plan this 12 hours long? Did she feed her baby, cuddle him one last time, and kiss him goodbye? Did she cry and look at him in the eye, before she headed for the restroom to dump him in a garbage bin? Was she hoping that her baby would be found by the cleaners?

My heart's clenching every time I read articles like this! :(

God bless you, Jorge Francis, and I hope a loving and caring family will find you and give you a new home.


-Chichi

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Jokes

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Men Joke

---

There is the chief of Indians, and he is going down a field with his tribe, and they come across a pile of sh*t.So the chief asks his tribe men :
"Does this look like sh*t to you?"
"Yes is does", they replied.
"Smell it. Does it smell like sh*t to you", asks the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Feel it. Does it feel like sh*t to you?", says the Chief.
"Mmmmm..Yes"
"Lick it. Does it taste like sh*t to you?", inquires the Chief.
"Ammmm...Yes"
"Good. Don't step on it!"

---

One day a man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn't see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out.
The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you a wish, but only one."
The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to visit Hawaii but have never been able to because I'm afraid of flying and ships make me seasick. So I wish for a road to be built from here to Hawaii."
The genie thought for a minute and said, "No, I don't think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved: the pilings needed to hold up the highway, how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask."
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "Well, there is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand my girlfriend. What makes her laugh and cry, why is she temperamental, why is she so difficult to get along with? Basically, what makes her tick?"
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, "So, do you want two lanes or four?"

---

There were three guys in a bar. Two are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives. The third remains silent.
After a while, one of the first two turned to the third and says, "Well... what about you, what sort of control do you have over your wife?"
"Well, on our honeymoon, I made damn sure my wife came to me on her hands and knees," he bragged and took another sip of beer.
His friends were amazed! "What happened then?" they asked, almost in unison."

"Well, then she said, "Get the hell out from under that bed and fight like a man!" he admitted.

---

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, "What is this Father?"
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....
"Go get your Mother."

---

It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring
dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt.

The zoo is not very busy this morning.As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the woman, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

"Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him." he says. This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband nabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her into the cage with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut. "Now, tell HIM you have a headache . . . "

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School Joke

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Little Johnny was sitting in class doing math problems when his teacher picked him to answer a question, "Johnny, if there were five birds sitting on a fence and you shot one with your gun, how many would be left?" "None," replied Johnny, "cause the rest would fly away." "Well, the answer is four," said the teacher, "but I like the way you're thinking."

Little Johnny says, "I have a question for you. If there were three women eating ice cream cones in a shop, one was licking her cone, the second was biting her cone and the third was sucking her cone, which one is married?"

"Well," said the teacher nervously, "I guess the one sucking the cone."

"No," said Little Johnny, "the one with the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking."

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Blonde Joke

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AA stranger was seated next to a blonde on the airplane when the stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk. I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and said to the stranger,
- 'What would you like to talk about?'

- 'Oh, I don't know, said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and he smiles.

- OK, ' she said. 'That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the blonde's intelligence, thinks about it and says,
- 'Hmmm, I have no idea....'

To which the blonde replies,
- 'Do you really feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?'

---

On a plane flight from Seattle to Chicago, a blonde was sitting in economy class. About half way through the flight, she got up and moved to an empty seat in first class. A flight attendant who observed this, went over to her and politely explained that she had to move back to economy class because that was what her ticket was for. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to Chicago and I'm staying right here."
After several attempts to explain to the blonde why she had to return to economy class, the flight attendant gave up. She went to the cockpit and explained the situation to the pilot and co-pilot.
"Wait a minute," said the pilot. "Did you say she's blonde? I can handle this. My wife is a blonde. I speak Blonde." So he went up to the woman sitting in first class and whispered something in her ear.
"I'm sorry," said the blonde, and she promptly got up and returned to her seat in economy class.
"What did you say to her?" ask the astonished flight attendant and co-pilot.
To which the pilot replied, "I just told her that first class isn't going to Chicago."

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Religious joke

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A very distinguished lady was on a plane arriving from Switzerland.
She found her self seated next to a nice priest whom she asked:
"Excuse me Father, could I ask a favor?"

"Of course my child, What can I do for you?"

"Here is the problem, I bought myself a new sophisticated hair
remover gadget for which I paid an enormous sum of money. I have
really gone over the declaration limits and I am worried that they
will confiscate it at customs. Do you think you could hide it under
your cassock?"

"Of course I could, my child, but you must realize that I can not
lie."

"You have such an honest face Father, I am sure they will not ask
you any questions", and she gave him the 'hair remover'.

The aircraft arrived at its destination. When the priest presented
himself to customs he was asked, "Father, do you have anything to
declare?"

"From the top of my head to my sash, I have nothing to declare, my
son",he replied.

Finding this reply strange, the customs officer asked, "And from the
sash down, what do you have?"

The priest replied, "I have there a marvelous little instrument
designed for use by women, but which has never been used."

Breaking out in laughter, the customs officer said, "Go ahead Father.
Next!"


Source

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Things to think about

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.....

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

I went to a bookstore and asked the sales woman,"Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get deer to cross the road only at those yellow road signs?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

If you ate both pasta and antipasto, would you still be hungry?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have "S" in it?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times does he become disoriented?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

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19 signs that you're in love

1. You chuck out your old relationship souvenirs

For years, you hoarded ticket stubs from concerts and days out with your ex. Then you fall in love, and suddenly all these souvenirs are just tat that’s cluttering up your space. So, if nothing else, falling in love makes you more tidy.

2. Your ex announces their engagement, and you don’t care

What’s more, you fail to understand what you ever saw in them. And as for sleeping with them... what were you thinking?

3. You’re no longer shy around your former crush

You used to be a quivering wreck when your office’s payroll assistant entered the room. These days, you barely notice them.

When you’re in love, your partner becomes infinitely more attractive than any other person on the planet. Yes, even Cheryl Cole.
4. You aren’t put off by physical imperfections

Lust is far more fragile than love. Here’s an example. If your lust-object arrives for a date with a big green crusty lump sticking out of their nose, your attraction will disappear in an instant.

But if you’re falling in love, you won’t be put off. You’ll feel protective. You’ll rub your nose and hope that they mirror you… and hey presto, problem solved. Ain’t love grand?

5. You show them where you grew up

It may seem an odd choice of weekend adventure, but love means wanting to show them where you’re from. “That’s my old school, that’s where I had my paper round, that’s where I puked up my dad’s home-brew…”

6. You tell them your plans – big and small

Whether it’s babbling about your world-travel dreams or asking them to help make the shopping list, you include your lover in your plans because they’re part of your life.

7. You wonder where “we” should go on holiday

Even if it means compromising your idea of the perfect holiday or putting up with their mum’s brussels sprouts.

8. You’re thrilled by a joint invite to a family wedding

Partly because you’re happy that family and friends treat you two as a unit. And partly because you want your wingman beside you when the boredom sets in at 10pm in the church hall.

9. You show them off

When you’re falling for someone, you want to include them in your social life and show them off to your friends. However…

10. You’re happy doing nothing together

Ultimately it’s not about being a couple on a social stage, but just about being two people together. Just going for a walk together sounds like the perfect afternoon.

11. You join their photography class

You want to know what make your lover tick – and you want them to see that you’re showing an interest.

12. You ring them to moan about work

When they’re the first person you want to talk to about what a class-A berk the boss is today, it’s because you think they’re a keeper. (Your lover, not the boss.)

13. You take their kids out for lunch

If your other half has children from a previous partner, your relationship with the kids is a barometer of your future as a couple. And if you’re in love, you’ll try your hardest to get along with them.

Try not to let it stress you out. If you and the kids can be relaxed in each other’s company, you’re onto a long-term winner.

14. You aren’t afraid to argue

Couples don’t agree all the time. If you’re in lust, you don’t care about standing up for yourself – it’s more trouble than it’s worth.

But when you’re in love, you want to put your point across. Speaking up shows that you’re secure enough to question what your lover says or does.

However…

15. You feel terrible when you argue

You wouldn’t be half as upset about a row with anyone else. Here’s why…

16. You care more about their happiness than your own

You feel bad when your other half isn’t happy, so arguments are a double whammy of emotional trauma.

On the bright side, it shows that you’re really in love. You’re no longer looking after number one all the time. Instead, you want your partner to be OK.

17. You don’t mind saving if you're usually a spend-thrift

Our money habits are deeply entrenched, but love motivates you to make an exception.

For example, if you’ve spent your adult life being unwilling to save up for anything dearer than a haircut, love could suddenly make you want to save a deposit on a flat.

Likewise…
18. You don’t mind splashing out if you're usually frugal

If you’re suddenly willing to splash out on a luxury holiday together, it shows how important they are to you.

But it’s not about changing the real you. If you’re usually more comfortable being a saver, love won’t change that. It just means you’re less rigid about it. Which brings us to…

19. You risk being yourself

Of all the love-signs on this list, this is the big cheese.

When you’re infatuated or in lust with someone, you edit yourself to fit what you think they want. You might dress to suit them, or hide the fact that you don’t have much in common with their friends.

But when you’re in love with someone, you want your other half to know and like the person you really are.

It’s a risk, of course. Certain incompatibilities may come to the fore. But you know that you can’t be happy for long if you’re faking it.

This isn’t an excuse to be stubborn or tactless. “Being yourself” does not mean sticking rigidly to habits, or telling your lover that their CD collection is crap. A bit of flexibility works wonders.


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I need you like I need a cure for cancer

Cancer Man's Love Message Gets Star Treatment

An Australian man, husband and father of two little boys, has cancer of the liver and has been undergoing chemotherapy. To express his love to his wife and show his gratitude for her support through this hard time, he makes a heartwarming video tribute for her birthday. Only after a week the video has been viewed by thousands of people on Youtube.

"I need you like I need a cure for cancer", was one of his messages in the video, including a short video message attached in which Hugh Jackman says, "He loves you, Rachel". Read original post.

I'll be praying for you, Kristian Anderson, and I hope your love story has a happy ending.


(I'm not sure if the video below is showing up. It's restricted from playback on certain sites. Go to YouTube.)



Alternate video

Rachel's Birthday Letter - Hi-res from Kristian Anderson on Vimeo.

After watching the video, even I had tears in my eyes. It's the sweetest thing I have ever seen.



-Chichi

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Drawings

I drew this a while back when I was experimenting with my wacom pen tablet. These are my two cousins in anime-style. I miss the big boy so much. The last time I held him in my arms it was 3 years ago, when he was about 7 months old. How big he is now. I didn't meet the little one yet. He's my uncle's son, the big boy's mother's brother.

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Nihongo

I'm trying to learn Japanese in my free time. As of now, just Hiragana and Romaji (romanization of Japanese), and later on a bit Kanji. Seeing that Kanji is a bit difficult and a real pain in the a**, it'll probably take me a bit to memorize those nasty characters. (^.^) There's a reading aid called furigana, which is printed next to the Kanji characters, so reading Kanji won't be a problem as long as there are Hiragana characters beside it. :)

So far I memorized almost all of the Hiragana syllables and its additional sounds. I'm using a program called JWPce 1.50 (Japanese Text Editor and Dictionary), to write Hiragana characters. I tried writing down some characters, too, but my handwriting is a mess! I wonder if a native Japanese could ever read what I wrote.

I went to some Japanese sites, or downloaded mangas in its original language, and was astounded that I can read a bit Hiragana now. *squees* Though I don't understand what I read because I don't know its meaning. (^.^) So aside learning and memorizing Hiragana I do some vocabularies too, e.g. the adjectives. As a child I've loved eating Japanese snacks called Oishi and I never understood what it meant. Now I know it means "delicious". :) (The image on the side is a manga called "Oishi Kankei". The first few characters おいしい is [oishi], the same characters I saw on those delicious snacks.)

Other mind-numbing things will be the grammar, knowing the differences between written and spoken Japanese, when and how to apply honorific speech and knowing theーhow do I call it?ーlevel of politeness. There are 3: respectful (sonkeigo), humble (kenjōgo), polite (teineigo)!!! and the verbs and some nouns change respectively. Gawd!!! In addition to that there are honorifics for addressing and referring to people, depending on who you are speaking to, whether they're older/younger, a close friend/stranger/acquaintance, etc. Thanks goodness I know them already.

So yeah, this'll be fun and I wonder how long I'll be motivated to learn Japanese seeing that I never finish what I once started.

"Japanese" in:
Hiragana (にほんご)
Kanji (日本語)

-chichi signing off

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Undiscovered Creatures: DickSwim

This looks pretty disgusting and by only looking at it I feel uncomfortable. It reminds one of, you know, as its name suggests. It was found in Japan, at Miyako port, 200meters down the sea during a fishing day in the morning while the fisher was about to have his breakfast he noticed something in his net, as stated in the original post. "It's neither hard nor soft, it feels like Janakatta adhere" (Sorry for my bad translation, but my Japanese is not perfect.) Anyway, people are calling it a DickSwim.


-chichi signing off

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